carolyn broke up with me tonight. for real. she's going to law school in the fall in MI which would mean at least 1.5 years more of long distance (until i graduate) and she said we can't do it. she's right, it's been 2.5 years already and the distance is wearing on us.
i cant handle it, ive been sobbing for over an hour and i can't sleep. i have to get up in 6 hours to work, then have a 3 hr class, and i have no idea how i'll be able to do it. im going crazy, texting and calling her, and she's crying but she says can't console me. shes right again..i tried calling 2 people but no ones picking up, probably cause it's 2am. so i'm back to xanga. i cut but it didn't reach the pain i feel. i love her with all my heart, she says maybe in 3 years we'll pick up again, but i've never felt pain like this. ever. not even with what happened with evonne. i can't stop crying, can't stop remembering. this happened so fast. 3 hours ago we were looking at airline tickets for me to come visit her, then we got in a petty fight and it turned into this.
i know she's for real. she's not mad, she never cries but she is crying, and she told her mom that we broke up. my head hurts, i should get a drink. i dont know what to do. my life, my future, its all flipped upside down. i wanted..still want..to marry her. ive never loved another human being like i love her. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

C.'s baby niece died last night/early this morning. she was born and lived for 12 hours but on life support because of a low blood count. she was taken off of life support and lived for 45 minutes.

everything else seems so small in comparison.

My new blog's theme:

For John, Who Begs Me Not To Enquire Further
by Anne Sexton

Not that it was beautiful,
but that, in the end, there was
a certain sense of order there;
something worth learning
in that narrow diary of my mind,
in the commonplaces of the asylum
where the cracked mirror
or my own selfish death
outstared me.
And if I tried
to give you something else,
something outside of myself,
you would not know
that the worst of anyone
can be, finally,
an accident of hope.
I tapped my own head;
it was a glass, an inverted bowl.
It is a small thing
to rage in your own bowl.
At first it was private.
Then it was more than myself;
it was you, or your house
or your kitchen.
And if you turn away
because there is no lesson here
I will hold my awkward bowl,
with all its cracked stars shining
like a complicated lie,
and fasten a new skin around it
as if I were dressing an orange
or a strange sun.
Not that it was beautiful,
but that I found some order there.
There ought to be something special
for someone
in this kind of hope.
This is something I would never find
in a lovelier place, my dear,
although your fear is anyone's fear,
like an invisible veil between us all...
and sometimes in private,
my kitchen, your kitchen,
my face, your face.



Hey guys, I'm alive. Things have been going really well with C, we talked things over and I'm forgiving her. She assures me still that I'm all she's ever wanted and our love/relationship is worth more to me than one hiccup along the way. today is our 1 year, 8 month "monthiversary." Also, C designed me a new blog that I can write in, so I'll post the address of that later. I won't be leaving xanga though, I'll just use both.

My semester is over! First semester of grad school, done. Hopefully at this rate I'll have my MA degree by December of '10. So in fall of 2011, I will (hopefully) be a school counselor at either a middle or high school. I'm excited!

I feel like all I ever post here is short, random updates on my life instead of using this as an outlet like I once did. I'm starting to write again now that my life has settled down. My views on life have changed so drastically over the past year or so and I like who I've become.

My mom just wrote me a long letter that basically said how much she loves me, how proud she is of me, and that she's on my side. The last line was "I give you my blessing." Does that mean my relationship with C? My orientation (I hate that word)? I don't know. But tonight was a good night.

And I have to mention Rhea here. She's been such a good friend to me, sending me random youtube clips every so often to make sure I have something to smile about during the day. I love her already.